“People are born so that they have an excuse to surrender to oppression, then they can say if it wasn’t for our children, we would have done such and such.”
(Ahmed Khaled Tawfik, burnable scraps)
Sometimes divorce is the only logical end to a painful marital relationship, and a lifeline for one or both spouses.
But it remains a difficult solution that many couples hesitate to resort to, for fear of the impact of divorce on the children, which makes them prefer false stability in an unhappy marriage more than a traumatic and traumatic end for the children.
Whether divorce comes to put an end to a long journey of disputes and conflicts, or it comes as a surprise, it constitutes a great loss for the children, especially with the pressures resulting from the accompanying changes, as children usually lose the possibility of daily communication with a parent, which affects their connection with him.
On the other hand, the custodial party may suffer from greater pressure, and find it difficult to balance pressure, work, and additional responsibilities of the children, which may affect its ability to support them.
This is in addition to other changes such as changing housing and sometimes school. Divorce is usually accompanied by financial difficulties that may lead to living in a material level less than usual, and all of these changes naturally put children under severe pressure.
But in general, the reactions of children vary according to their age, as children from the age of two until the preschool stage suffer from sleep disorders, attachment disorders and separation anxiety, and some of them may suffer from a kind of regression and their toilet skills deteriorate, or they relapse into childhood behaviors that were not apparent By like thumb sucking.
Things do not stop there, as many school-age children are dominated by feelings of guilt and self-blame, and some children may delude themselves that they are the reason for the divorce because of a mistake they made or misbehavior they have done.
Some have irrational fears (phobias), and older children tend to express feelings of anger and blame one or both parties.
In adolescence, negative effects may range from severe depression to aggressive behaviors and suicidal thoughts.
Despite all the negative effects of divorce, it sometimes may bring an end to marital disputes and disputes, or at least make them shrink, making its negative effects less than the effects of the daily marital conflicts witnessed by children in the light of a failed marriage.
Despite all the feelings of anger, anxiety and shock that divorce brings, and the great loss it poses to the children, it is a shock that can be recovered from and pass safely and with minimal losses.
(1)
for recovery
In 1972, E. Mavis Hetherington, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, launched a research project that included 3 longitudinal studies spanning 25 years to explore the family's trajectories after divorce and study its extended effects on children, and the research included more than 140 families.
The research team used standard tools such as questionnaires and tests, as well as close observation of children during their daily lives in their homes, as well as in playgrounds and schools.
Hetherington concluded that about 20-25% of adult children whose parents divorced experienced serious emotional, behavioral and social problems, compared to 10% of children whose parents' marriages continued.
Although many children may face stress and negative influences, including feelings of anger, anxiety, anger and shock, and may suffer from problems in family relationships and adjustment, most of these effects, according to Hetherington, diminish and may disappear by the end of the second year of separation, and very few children suffer long-term problems (2).
In a quantitative review of previous studies, Pennsylvania State University sociology professor Paul R.
Amato in 2001 studied the possible effects of divorce on children, and conducted comparative studies between children whose parents were subjected to divorce and others in stable families, with an assessment of their academic achievement and their behavioral, emotional and social problems. The results also concluded that there are slight differences, which indicates that the majority of children are able of overcoming the divorce crisis.
However, he found that higher rates of conflict between parents during and after divorce were directly related to children's poor adaptive capacity.
(3)
Adaptation occurs through several stages: the acute stage;
It is the stage in which the parents decide to divorce, and it may start some time before the actual divorce, and at this stage the turmoil is often at its most extreme, then the transitional stage comes after the actual divorce and the child’s adaptation to the relationship between the parents, and the dates of the visit with the non-custodian parent. This stage lasts about two years until the third stage, which is the stage in which some kind of stability is expected.
So, your children may be able to pass the crisis in peace. It is normal for children to feel sadness and loss, and all of them are natural feelings and actions to lose family stability, but there are some factors that will alleviate the problems they are exposed to, and help them adapt faster, so that they become The experience is less painful.
Your children first
Your ex's face might be the last face in the world you want to see.
You may have gone through a harsh marriage, an abusive relationship, infidelity, or abuse, to the end of the extended list of harm, but unfortunately despite the divorce, the children will remain a thread that connects you to the other party, and this means that you overlook your feelings a little for the sake of your children, so that you make their needs a priority.
Think about your future and the future of your children.
Although divorce may be difficult, and some may make it a fierce battle that drains the energy of the other partner, it is in any case a stage that will reach its end, whether long or short, where you can obtain your independence and recover from the painful experience.
Always remember your long-term goals so that you can avoid getting drained in the daily and side detail battles.
"Don't forget the credit between you."
Strive to build a friendly relationship with the former partner under the shade of respect and affection.
If you can't talk about him kindly, choose silence, and keep your negative opinions about him to yourself, or share them with your relatives, friends, or even a lawyer or a psychiatrist, but never complain to your children.
Many parents fall into the trap of exploiting children to take revenge on the other party out of anger or feeling wronged. They involve the child in disputes, make him feel that he has to choose between one of the parents, or prevent him from meeting the other party to pressure him into divorce agreements.
Whether you are unjust or oppressed, if you take advantage of your child in this way, he will be the only loser.
Limit changes and boot to them
If the divorce does not happen suddenly, it is better to prepare the child several weeks in advance, and it is preferable if this is done in the presence of the parents together to give the child an impression of the friendly relationship between them.
Tell the child about the expected changes in the coming period, whether a parent leaves the house, or the child changes his home or school, or otherwise.
With the sweeping changes in his life, he tried to provide him with some stability by establishing a routine and fixed habits for his daily life in the home of both the father and the mother to give him a feeling of some safety.
Save yourself first
Unfortunately, as a result of the pressures of divorce and subsequent conflicts, some of which may reach the judiciary, parents usually feel drained, and one or both of them may suffer from depression and anxiety, and sometimes the effect extends to physical and mental problems, which affects their ability to support children at a time when they are in Much needed support.
Do you remember the safety instructions on the plane?
Put the oxygen mask on your face first before helping the people next to you.
If you can't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help your children survive.
And make sure that your life goes on at a more natural pace, do your usual activities, whether at work, meet friends, or take up hobbies, so that the child sees how his parents manage to maintain a life together despite all the difficulties.
be there
You may not have a solution to your child's problems, what happened has happened, and there is no way to go back, but he needs you to listen to him, and acknowledge and acknowledge his feelings instead of ignoring them.
If he finds it difficult to express his feelings, help him find the words and honestly express what is going on inside him, and encourage him to share his feelings.
This will help reduce his tension and build a renewed space of trust between the two of you.
Remember that this is not a conversation that you do once in a lifetime, but rather a continuous process. As children age, their questions and feelings change and they may want to talk about it over and over again, so do not get tired of talking.
Emphasize to your children as well that they are not the cause of divorce, as often children at different ages, especially in childhood, suffer from feelings of guilt and that they were the cause of divorce, and they may not express this feeling.
You need to assure them that your marital disagreements are none of their business.
Emphasize that you will continue to love your children. Some children worry that parents will stop loving them as they stopped loving each other. Assure your children that you will continue to love them even if you do not all live under the same roof.
(4)
danger signs
It is usual for things to improve after several months of divorce, but there are some signs that appear or persist for a long time means that children need specialized psychological support, such as persistent sleep problems, poor concentration, decreased academic performance, self-harm, appetite disorders, and social withdrawal, As well as frequent tantrums, drug or alcohol abuse.
Many Arab and foreign countries provide government services for psychological support for children.
You can also turn to psychological support at school if it is available.
(5) (6)
Divorce may be the end of the world as you used to know it, but on the other hand it may be the beginning of a new journey of recovery and survival for you and your children with you.
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Sources:
1- Divorce and children
2-Long-Term Effects of Divorce and Remarriage on the Adjustment of Children
3- The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children: An Update
When Parents Split Up, What's a Pediatrician to Do?4-
5-The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children Take steps to help kids bounce back faster
6- The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce