• Paralympic Melani Bergés, the runner who is left out (for the moment) of the Paralympic Games by a trans athlete: "She takes a head and a half off me and she looks like a man"
  • Marta Bustos, the writer who was blind and has captivated Queen Letizia with her book: "When she asked me to dedicate it to her, I was super amazed"
  • Mother's Day Estela, blind and mother: "I do the best I can, like everyone else"

Montse Lamarca lives in Barcelona, is 28 years old and works as an administrative assistant in a transport company. She is not overwhelmed by the paperwork that we assume she deals with at work and she is quite crack at computers. She lives with her parents, like many young women her age, is adopted, bisexual and has an intellectual disability. All of that is, in addition to many other things that you don't get to know in a video call conversation. His girlfriend's name is Isabel and of the two, she is the one wearing glasses in the photographs. They've been together for a year and a month, Montse says, and they have plans for the future, like any ordinary couple.

Disability and love and, of course, disability and sexuality are two binomials that we often don't want to hear. Infantilization and prejudice drive people with disabilities to the periphery of affection and desire. But they and others are a living example of whether we look at them or not, they exist, they feel and (are) loved.

On the 3rd, World Disability Day was celebrated and Montse has participated with her testimony in a video podcast of Control Spain to tell that her group is no stranger to sexuality. Hand in hand with the Catalan Association for Integration and Human Development (AcidH) it has also supported the launch of Dinder Club, a dating app specifically for this audience. She used conventional apps herself, but it didn't fit or work. In short, she wants to put a face, her own, to the sexual-affective needs of those who have Down syndrome and borderline intelligence, and tell that they, like anyone else, can "enjoy sex", that they fell in love one day with a classmate, that they broke their hearts, that they had a first time, that... All of that.

The Balance Between Protection and Freedom

Montse, when she was in 5th grade, fell in love with her teacher and knew, then, that she was bisexual. He preferred not to tell it at home. Before meeting Isabel on Instagram, he had several relationships, including one in which his partner dumped her 12 times. They always came back. "It was a girl. I think if something like this were to happen to me now, I'm more prepared," she says. Her parents have warned her to "use a condom", to be careful with a possible pregnancy... That kind of thing.

But in these cases, sometimes the standard discourse is not enough. Carla Secondi is a psychologist and sexologist at AcidH and says: "Sometimes, parents' own baggage is not enough. They want to inform their children and protect them, but without limiting their experiences. Montse's father came to the association to find out how to approach the topic of sex and affectivity naturally so that the family is a safe space where they can talk about everything. There are many cases of abuse and mistreatment in relationships and people with disabilities are more vulnerable because they tend to have less experience and information. It's harder for them to spot the red flags and toxic relationships, where one exerts power over another. That's why it's so important that they receive affective-sexual education."

Secondi also focuses on the gender gap when it comes to dealing with family dynamics: "With them, they talk about need. With them, they don't usually use this term and want, above all, to protect them." This caregiving zeal has had consequences such as the forced sterilization of men and women with disabilities at the initiative of their families, a practice that is no longer permitted (unless authorized by a judge), with the law on the reform of the legal capacity of persons with disabilities, which came into force in 2021. "The aim is for them to be the protagonists of their lives. They may need support, but their self-determination should not be eliminated," defends the AcidH psychologist.

The desire to become independent and... of being a mother

And speaking of the King of Rome: "I have done a higher degree in Early Childhood Education, because I love children. I would like to be a mother and have a partner. Isabel wants the same thing," Montse smiles. But time by time, because she's not in a hurry. The first thing, of course, would be to emancipate herself: "I want to live with her. I've told my parents that I want to become independent, but they don't like the idea. They think I'm not going to make do with the groceries, the cooking, the medication..." Well, that's time after time. For the time being, her autonomy is progressing little by little: "I used to go to the gynaecologist with my mother, but last time I went alone," she says.

Secondi reviews the myths surrounding the sexuality of people with disabilities. In addition to infantilization, which presupposes that they are without desire, there is a pendulum thinking according to which "they have uncontrolled appetites and are hypersexualized." "This stereotype paints them as if they weren't people," she complains, insisting that it is a right to receive education about their bodies and how to enjoy them. "Sexual health improves your quality of life, just like anyone else's," she says.

At AcidH, Montse discusses issues that worry her with her therapist: "I'm very jealous. It's a subject that I have a hard time with. I always think that if Isabel talks to another girl it's because she's falling in love with her," she confesses. "It's important to break the myths of romantic love, because sometimes it's harder for people with disabilities to be critical," concludes Carla Sicondi.

  • Sex