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In just two weeks Queen Letizia has had to say goodbye to her two daughters. First, to Princess Leonor, from whom she said goodbye with a big hug when she entered the Academy of Zaragoza to begin the three years of military training that will make her the captain general of the Armed Forces and keep her separated from her family.
With almost no time to process the farewell, the time has come to also separate from the Infanta Sofía, who begins her baccalaureate at UWC Atlantic College in Wales (United Kingdom), as her sister already did.
It is not the first time that Queen Letizia sees her daughters leave, but it is the only time that the two have left home at the same time. The nest remains empty. It is a situation that thousands of women go through every day, and that always leaves a mark on them, to a greater or lesser extent. Accustomed to dealing with a house full of people, to manage their time to get to everything and to act as a protective and guiding mother, they suddenly face a new stage, "a new life cycle to which at first it is difficult to adapt and that can generate a lot of anxiety and even depressive symptoms," explains psychologist Laura Palomares. Director of Advance Psychologists.
The children leave for both of them, the father and the mother, but the empty nest syndrome affects women much more, "because culturally we have assumed the caregiving role," says Laura Palomares. "In some families this is changing and the father is the one who has more time for the attention of the children, in these cases they can also live the same symptoms, but it is usually women who value the upbringing and education of their children, as a fundamental part of their self-concept and personal development. "
In his practice he has found "many going through this moment and a strong depression, often not knowing exactly what was happening to them. Even in some cases there was a repressed anger with the children for having become independent, which added to this process a strong feeling of guilt, "says Laura Palomares.
Over time, understanding what was happening to them helped them approach it from another side. "Realizing that the bond with children never loses meaning and that it goes far beyond what is done for them and physical closeness is a fundamental step in therapy. This means learning that the connection with others is not to constantly 'do' by and for them, but simply to 'be' with them, to accompany them from the necessary distance at each stage of their lives, without forgetting our own and how important we are, "says the psychologist.
Something else to miss
What are the symptoms of empty nest syndrome and how can we distinguish them from simple sadness or the normal feeling of missing a child? "A low mood, loss of sense of life, demotivation, reluctance, lack of illusion, anxiety, irritability, sleep or eating disorders and a severe drop in self-esteem," answers Laura Palomares. "With each new stage or new life cycle, changes are faced that at first are difficult to adapt to, but it is when depressive or anxiety symptoms remain over time when we must worry and act. The signs that allow us to recognize it are sudden changes in mood, sadness, being more irascible than normal and even crying unpredictably, demotivation and hopelessness, but with more attention we have to observe those related to self-esteem and the sense of life, "he describes.
There is also a profile more likely to suffer from this syndrome, that of a woman around 50 years old. "Because at that age this process is accompanied by the changes associated with menopause. The empty nest is not only the mourning or feeling of loss of a way of life and coexistence with children, it is also the mourning for a stage of life that moves away from youth. It is a strong identity crisis related to self-concept and self-esteem. Often those who suffer from it believe that it is no longer important because they are no longer needed," explains Laura Palomares.
In addition to age-related beliefs, such as that we are less useful and important as we age, behind this syndrome are also hidden "excessively self-demanding personality traits and the way of understanding the bond with children such as being physically present almost all the time," says the psychologist. When these factors come together it is easy to stagnate and have difficulty facing a new stage.
GTRES
Like Queen Letizia, M.P. (60 years old), saw how her only son went to live in Malaga and how she, a widow, was left alone in an 'empty' house. The sadness isolated her completely, she did not leave her home, did not turn on the television and barely answered phone calls from friends, even ate only what she found in the pantry, no fresh products. The turning point came the day she felt sick and found herself alone and unable to pick up the phone for help; She thought she was going to die without anyone knowing and was so scared that she gathered strength to call a friend, who pushed her to put herself in the hands of a psychologist. "She accepted the therapy because of the great scare that had been given, she wanted to recover, be encouraged and resume her social life," explains Isabel Aranda, health psychologist, Chief Content Officer of TherapyChat and who helped her get out of the rut. "After three months she had recovered her routines to 70%, met to eat with friends, practiced swimming, went out to order the purchase and called her son three times a week, as they have agreed between them. And after five months of psychological therapy, she has gone to visit her son and has returned to normal activity. And, very importantly, she has established a communication plan with her son: calls and visits with which they both agree," says Isabel.
A grieving process
"The empty nest syndrome can be understood as a grieving process that does not have a clinical entity in most cases, a natural response to a loss, in this case the presence of the child, family roles, daily routines and the bustle of coexistence," says Aranda. As such, it usually involves several stages: "Denial, anger, negotiation, sadness and, finally, acceptance, as defined by psychiatrist and writer Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, one of the world's leading experts on death. As parents adjust to the new reality of having an 'empty nest,' they may experience emotions similar to those of grief as they are facing significant change in their lives and family relationships."
However, while some parents deal with these feelings of sadness, which can last up to a year, others adapt quickly and find new ways to enjoy their time and life without the children at home. "The duration and intensity of this syndrome can vary widely. Some parents even experience a sense of relief or positive emotions from having more independence, time, and freedom to themselves. When both stay together, the syndrome is more bearable, because they keep each other company, "says Isabel Aranda.
For Mari Luz – author of the YouTube channel @unade50, tips for cincuentástik@s like her – it was also easier to have Luis, her husband, because they do many things together. She has two children and was used to one of them being away from home, but not both at the same time. "My husband and I are doing great, but that emptiness you have left... My children are not to be on top all the time, but the typical, at a stroke everything goes away. If I wasn't with Luis, the world would fall on me."
What do we do to prevent it?
The key to not letting ourselves be dragged by the empty nest syndrome is to "get ahead, and not forget that before mothers or couples we are people, so our goals and objectives on a day-to-day basis should not be related only to the needs of others," says Laura Palomares. "We are much more than a role or what we do, and doing all those activities that contribute to us and make us feel good is essential to face any change in a resilient way. Having our own goals and concerns, maintaining a schedule that allows us to balance work with leisure and free time, is fundamental, as is maintaining the concern to learn and develop the aspects that truly make us feel good. "
In addition, it helps to anticipate the departure of the children by planning how we are going to occupy the time and energy. "This can include participating in activities you enjoy, exploring new hobbies, or finding volunteer opportunities," says Isabel Aranda. You also have to find pleasure in spending time alone: "Practicing self-reflection and self-care, learning to enjoy your own company can make the transition easier," says the psychologist.
How do we help a person with empty nest syndrome?
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Social support, activity and professional attention" are the three keys to get out of this process when it becomes a problem, says Isabel Aranda. " Receiving this support can make a big difference in the intensity and duration of feelings of loss." In addition to psychological treatment, Aranda lists some of the ways we can help a person affected by empty nest syndrome:
In addition, "practicing any regular physical activity or sport that generates endorphins can help us improve our mood." And also two simple exercises of Positive Psychology: "Write a letter to our children expressing what we miss and keep a diary to tell our feelings," adds Aranda.
When is it time to go to a psychologist?
Social support from friends and family is very helpful in dealing with loneliness, but at what point do we have to think that we cannot cope with it alone? "If we see that the depressive symptoms remain and with it the anguish and low self-esteem. The therapy will be a safe and accompaniment space where we adapt to the new vital moment", responds Laura Palomares. "Seeking professional psychological care does not imply weakness; on the contrary, it shows strength," insists Isabel Aranda, who lists warning signs:
- Intensity and duration of symptoms. If you experience overwhelming feelings of sadness, anxiety, depression, or loneliness that persist for an extended period and begin to significantly affect your quality of life and daily functioning.
- Difficulty performing daily activities. If you have difficulty carrying out tasks and activities that you once enjoyed, such as maintaining social relationships, taking care of yourself or fulfilling your work responsibilities.
- Social isolation. If you find yourself isolating yourself socially, avoiding contact with friends and family, or if you feel like you have no one to talk to about your feelings.
- Changes in behavior. If you've noticed significant changes in your behavior, such as increased consumption of alcohol or drugs, food, sweets, changes in sleep or eating patterns, or changes in your overall mood.
- Difficulty functioning in relationships. If empty nest syndrome is negatively affecting your relationships with your partner, family or friends.
- Suicidal thoughts. If you're experiencing suicidal thoughts or desires, it's important to seek help right away by contacting a suicide hotline or seeing a health professional.
- Queen Letizia