Lovers collectors: Why do some people only seek to binge on sex after a breakup?

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The 'script' is as follows: get out of a long relationship and become a collector of sporadic sexual encounters. Why this insatiable hunger (or is it appetite?) for different skins when singleness is 're-released'?

Before getting into the subject, Sigrid Cervera, sexologist at the Museum of Erotica of Barcelona (MEB) and member of the Spanish Association of Sexology Professionals (AEPS), clarifies that "when we talk about sexual encounters, whether sporadic or long-term, we are talking about encounters between the sexes, we are talking about encounters between two people who arrive with their own biography: of different and uniquebeings who are at a specific and unique moment in their lives."

The impulse is in our DNA, because, "as sexed beings that we are, we seek the encounter with the other with our strengths and our vulnerabilities; with our "full" and our "empty".

Under these premises, continues this sexólgada, "the fact that, after a relationship -whether short or long-, we continue in that search for rapprochement with an other, is not surprising. What there is no doubt about is that this is where everyone's desires come in: I can want to meet many people without wanting to establish long-term relationships or vice versa."

This, as you know, is a kind of lottery. "Sometimes the meeting responds to what we are looking for or wanting and sometimes it does not. Sometimes we meet sporadically, and sometimes those encounters last longer. Sometimes, we search and we do not find and, sometimes, we find what we were not looking for. And this is not to mention when we search, and do not find. Who doesn't feel identified with any of these situations?"

The 'hangover' of a breakup is not easy to manage: "After a separation, it takes some time to grieve and get over the breakup. It is a process that is composed of different stages: sadness, anger, guilt, acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, the fertile stage and being born again. Who does not grieve does not integrate the loss of the ex, the importance of the relationship and the learning derived from it. If you do not go through the phases of grief it takes longer your recovery process, "says Monia Presta, clinical psychologist specialized in emotional management, neurosciences, clinical psychophysiology, sexology and couples therapy.

This specialist tells how, in her book 'Your emotional brain' (RBA Books), she describes "how I overcame the break with my ex and how I was born again on a solo trip in Cadaqués after having gone through all the emotions inherent in mourning. Making the journey alone to go through all the stages of grief and related emotions is a way to remake yourself, be reborn, respect yourself and respect others."

In his opinion, "sporadic sexual encounters after a long relationship usually occur, because, when you go back to the 'market', you want to experience new sensations, let yourself be carried away by novelties, discover new bodies, know new ways of kissing and making love. "

To this we should add, in addition, "the injection of self-esteem and food for the ego that supposes to hear things like 'how well you do it' or 'how handsome or beautiful you are', after many years without doing it".

The key is, according to Buenaventura del Charco Olea, health psychologist, psychotherapist and author of 'Hasta los cojones del pensamiento positivo' (Editorial Samarcanda), in "understanding the difference between something we do in a 'whore and genuine' way or in an 'avoidant and instrumental' way". This, he continues, "in psychology is called functionality, that is, why do I really do that."

Because "sex - he points out - is widely used as a mechanism to obtain other things, that is, as a means and not as an end in itself: to cover the pain, to express and allow us intimacy (when we are afraid of the affective and emotional), as anxiolytic, to cover emotions (especially sadness) as a way of expressing others (anger, affection ...) and also as a form of power and domination."

Del Charco Olea emphasizes the undeniable fact that "sex has an important component of physiological activity (it is intense) and that serves to cover other things well, because it has a bodily component (emotions are expressed in the body) and because biologically and evolutionarily it is linked to very basic and powerful needs. " Also, because, "culturally, there is a lot of expression of gender, sexual identity, power, social value and hierarchy." And because, "biologically, in addition. There is a release of neurotransmitters and powerful hormones that, above all, in orgasm are associated with relaxation (think of the 'piti' after or those 'abrazico' or tender sleep), which make it a very powerful anxiolytic or painkiller ".

The 'problem' (or not) is that, in this scenario of dating apps, collecting lovers seems simpler than ever. "People get vitiated by dating and sexual encounters and all they are looking for is pleasure and fun. Today, we know from neuroimaging studies that, when we have sex with new people, dopamine increases, which is the reward system that generates pleasure, the feeling of novelty and addiction to anything," says Monia Presta. Therefore, he continues, "the more sexual relations with different people you have, the more the sensation of surprise is activated and dopamine is triggered."

It is also known that "repeated behavior reduces this reward system." In fact, when sexual relations with the same person are repeated, "dopamine and testosterone levels drop while oxytocin, the hormone of bonding, attachment and well-being, increases. From there, a new couple is usually formed if the duel is over."

Covering up the pain

Is it a reflection, this of chaining experiences with different people, of the desire for freedom? Monia Presta considers it so. "Yes, it is a reflection of the desire for freedom, to put yourself in play again, to know if you are able to flirt again, to have fun, to please others. As I mentioned earlier, it increases self-esteem and a sense of empowerment." In his opinion, it is "asecond adolescence where people want to experience everything they think they apparently lost when they were in a long relationship. But, in life, when we decide and bet on something, there are always losses and gains. Therefore, when we decide to have a relationship we can gain tranquility and emotional stability and let go of other people and experiences. When wechoose something, we let something go. And everything has its advantages if we make healthy choices for ourselves."

For Buenaventura del Charco Olea, "healthy sex and as an end can be an act of freedom when, for example, you only want to 'attend' to something that, perhaps, was already bad for a long time (in the months that the relationship goes wrong it goes to the background, there may be less frequency, etc). It's the way to be able to do things that you couldn't do if you had a monogamous relationship: meet other people, new stimuli."

However, he warns, it can be "a means of covering up sadness; calm the fear of loneliness (thinking that we are in the market comforts us); to feel like winners with respect to the other (you have left me but I swell to fuck or what you like indicates your mistake and mistake); or to 'compensate' for the shortcomings we felt in our previous relationship."

Currently, highlights this specialist, "there is a cultural factor that is promoting sporadic relationships. The fear of commitment, failure, not liking or not being enough or being hurt promotes more superficial relationships that, if they go wrong, will hurt us less. Arguments such as 'I don't want anything serious', 'we're seeing it' and so on, sometimes, what they do is even disguise themselves as affective responsibility, polygamy or open relationships (I do not want to say that it happens in all cases, but I often see how they give it that ideological "varnish")".

Today, nothing seems stable. "It is the liquid society of which the philosopher Bauman speaks, as well as the fact that, more and more we see the human being (the other and ourselves) as a consumer product that has to satisfy us and that has a value based on its productivity (how much do you fuck?) or their characteristics and attributes (if they are sexy or not, if they like it...) In the same way that a bag is worth more if it is beautiful or ugly or is made of real or synthetic leather, what is encouraged is individualism and a lower commitment or desire to surrender, commit and take risks for the other, "denounces Del Charco Olea.

Culturally, since the sexual revolution, "sex is considered as an empowering, revolutionary act and symbol of freedom. Something that, in its day, had a lot of depth, because it had been something very repressed by Christian morality, machismo and others, but that, now, is exacerbated and exaggerated with postmodernism, identirarismo and the cultural battle. " To this we should add, in addition, that "there are also people who do it from the beginning from posture and ideological narcissism (I have an open mind and I am better than you and such)".

How is it possible that it doesn't feel empty? "Viceis empty; Change only one letter. The fact of feeling desired and sexually attractive generates more desire for sporadic sexual relations, "says psychologist Monia Presta. However, "there comes a time when all that goes out and you want to have a partner again." Unless, of course, "we are in front of a person with a character of adventurous or complex type of Peter Pan. That or that he has not overcome the duel and covers it with leagues. "

Because, although we do not realize it, if the pain is covered, its intensity increases. "In fact, avoiding suffering generates all kinds of addictions and suffering. It is the mechanism of all addictions such as alcohol, cocaine, social networks, slot machines, etc ... Then, sex also becomes addiction and becomes an empty vice."

Does this pass or does it last forever? Monia Presta gives us her opinion: "After a separation, sex is overrated. When grief is overcome, a state of inner emotional balance is returned and more aspects begin to be given importance: friendship, affectivity, commitment, the desire to undertake a new project in common, etc. That is what I usually see in the consultation, once people are back to being well with themselves, the desire to have a partner is recovered. "

For Buenaventura Charco Olea, "healthy sex, but casual, is usually satisfied like any other need (sleep, money, hunger ...) And, at this point, we get bored and less interested or tired."

When it comes to relationships, Sigfrid Cervera reminds us, there is no fixed rule. "Today you can look for sporadic relationships and tomorrow you can't, nothing more. We are constantly changing and evolving, so our searches are also in motion. It is the ultimate expression of freedom and hopefully, it lasts as long as it lasts," he concludes.

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